Tears In Heaven

Today was a special day for me, and also an incredibly sad one. Today was my grandmother's birthday. Well it would have been my grandmother's birthday. You see my grandmother, Patricia Ann Vorpe VanTassell, passed away on a sunny day in July of 2002. It seems almost odd that she was born on a cold day in December but left us on a bright summer morning.

For most people the loss of a grandparent doesn't seem to affect them after some time, but with me it has been different. For the vast majority of my young life my grandmother, whom I called Nanny, was always there much like another parent. She basically was like my father or another mother, always there for me. My actual father wasn't around when I was a child, and my mother did not get married until I was about 8. That union only lasted til my freshman year of high school, so I didn't really have a great deal of 'father figures' in my life. My mother tried her best, don't get me wrong, but she worked and wasn't also there. My grandmother was... She taught me how to ride a bike for goodness sake! So to lose her, I felt like I lost a part of myself.

This may come as a surprise to most people, but up until then I wasn't as close with my mother. It was my grandmother that I poured my heart out to, if I told anyone at all. It took her leaving us to push my mother and I closer together, so I do thank her for doing that for us.

I know that she will always be looking down on me but there are just times I wish she were still here in the physical sense. Like at my college graduation or my wedding. I know on both occasions she would have been so proud of me. She never got to meet someone who is a large part of my life, Bob. And at times like this I miss her the most...

Holiday Spirits

Well here it is, officially December. But unfortunately I just can't seem to get into the swing of things. Maybe it has something to do with the weather? It has been fluctuating quite a bit, one day it will be really warm while the next is blisteringly cold. And I have only seen fleeting snow showers, which didn't even lay on the ground.

Or maybe there are other reasons why I don't quite feel the spirit of Christmas right now. I have been having a good deal of family issues as of late. My uncle David, who just turned 50 middle of November, is currently in the hospital. His health is declining at a rather rapid rate. He does not feel he needs to be taking a majority of his medications. And he has also basically given up on life, he told the hospital that should they release him he would just kill himself. Safe to say he is currently in their psychiatric ward until further notice.

And from there the family issues just grow. My aunt Sara, sure she just can't help herself, is just dead set on making everything about her. She is refusing to let my mother or I know what is going on with my uncle, even though she is the primary contact person for the hospital. And she is also angry with my mother because my uncle Mike is living at my mother's apartment. My mother is not the type of person that will just let one of her siblings live on the street, so when my uncle needed a place to stay she took him in. He isn't living there completely free though, he is contributing by purchasing food and other essentials. But my aunt, the drama queen, feels that we should have just let him become homeless because: 'He put himself in this situation'. Then when everyone went up to the hospital to visit my uncle Dave, my aunt tried to hug my uncle Mike. He wanted nothing to do with her, and stepped away, because honestly if someone has been talking trash about you for months would you really want them to hug you? But she is out there spreading all these lies now that he pushed her away, even though two of his other siblings (my mother and my aunt Patti) just say he backed off to avoid her embrace. So now much of the family is mad as my mother because of this situation.

And then there are the Yannuzzis. Honestly where can I start with that one... First off, my grandfather is not doing so well. He fell a few months ago and hit his head. Now his dementia is really setting in and he just doesn't look so well.


And this photograph is honestly what frightens me the most. You can see in the background my father Steve, my aunt Vicki, and my uncle Frank. My grandfather is sitting in front of them and he looks really frail. Just the sight of him alone is enough to worry me. But what makes this seem worse is that my uncle lives in Texas, he has never been home as long as I can recall. In fact, in all my 28 years I don't even know if I have actually met him. All of my father's family, my step-siblings and their families, are returning to Pittsburgh as well for Christmas. It just seems as if they are now circling the wagons, just waiting for the end. And it is frustrating for me because no one is telling me what is going on.

With all of this going on, it feels like my heart and my mind just aren't in Christmas this year. I haven't really gotten down to buy gifts, mainly because I am lacking in funds. I don't want to disappoint anyone but I just am not sure what to do...

What I could really use is come holiday magic.

The Ties That Bind

So much has changed since the last time I posted on here. It has already been a whole year since my wedding... And my wedding really was the catalyst that changed some things for me.

My family life and relationships have really gotten better. Thinks have greatly improved with my father's family. I actually feel like now that they are my family as well, not just his. I never really had a solid father-figure in my life when I was younger, and I missed out on a lot of things because of that. But the wedding really seemed to change things for all of us. For the better... He feels bad that he missed out on a lot of my life. And is genuinely happy to have me around. They even invited me to visit them up in New Hampshire. Bob and I did go, even though I was immensely anxious about the trip, not sure how we would be received. But everyone was really gracious, and did not treat us any different than the rest of the family. My step-sister even asked if I would want her children to consider me as there aunt...

My Mind Is Made Up

I was struggling with my decision as to if I should or should not invite any of the Yannuzzi family to the wedding. So with the suggestion of Chrissy's dad I wrote a letter to Steve telling him exactly how I feel in the situation, what all of this was doing to me and has over the years.

Well today I got a response. And in true asshole fashion he is just trying to pin everything on everyone else. "There are two sides to every story..." Well I've heard both, because my mother has always been open and honest with me. And I know what has happened to me in the past. But still he thinks it is all my fault. That getting a shower invite from me was like getting one from a stranger, or so his sister said. Well news flash!: Your sister told someone that I know after the engagement announcement ran in the paper, that and I quote "my neice is getting married!" God, I hate all of you so damn much. I have finally made up my mind, not a SINGLE one of them is invited. Not him, his bitch of a wife, or his parents. NONE OF THEM!!!!!

Falling Into Place

Wow, I really haven't updated here in quite some time. Not since the dreaded Snow-pocylps back in early February. But it is April now, and I have a little over 4 months to go on the wedding countdown. It is amazing what has been accomplished but still how much there is to go...

All of my bridesmaids have officially ordered their dresses. I didn't want them to wear the same thing, because lets face it, they do NOT have the same body types at all. Laura will be in a lovely little, strapless bubble dress in plum. Rebecca bought a cute tea-length strappy dress with a chiffon overlay in wisteria. And Chrissy, who was the most difficult in this ordeal, got a floor length halter satin dress in lavender with a ribbon detailing in purple. I even got myself a cute little pair of purple heels, with at least a 3-4 inch heel on them! I need to get some gel inserts for them, that is for sure...

I met with my florist, Puhlman Flowers in Carnegie to go over my ideas for the bouquets and centerpieces. I am doing something relatively simple when it comes to the centerpieces, just daisy heads in white, yellow, and lavender scattered around the mirrors and candles that Cefalo's provides for us. It will add some color to the mix while still keeping it simple and classy. Which is totally what I was going for.

This week I have my finalization appointment with my baker, Bethel Bakery. Bob and I know from our tasting appointment what flavors and design we want. Now all we need to do it put it down in writing and sign the agreement. My mom is even giving me $100 dollars to help, $50 for the cake and another $50 for the flowers.

But there are still big things that have not been tackled. Bob's mom is supposed to be handling the photographer and the dj but I haven't heard anything diffinitive on either of those and it is starting to worry me. Bob and I also sat down to do a preliminary menu plan, but we need to meet up again with the reception site. And we still need to look into invitations as well.

But one more thing is settled on, my Aunt Tina is letting me have my bridal shower at her house in Natrona Heights. This will help me save a ton of money since I don't have to pay to rent some place and my family is chipping in to help make food and favors and such.

I guess that is all for now. More to come later, that is for sure.

Snowed In

We had many things we were planning to do today, and this weekend in general. Unfortunately Mother Nature was not willing to cooperate with us!

There are like almost 2 feet of snow out there right now. Huge snow drifts in our yard. Some of our trees are literally bent over from the strain. It is very, very bad. If we were to try to leave, even after Bobby finishes shoveling the driveway, the streets are completely impassable. We had to try to shovel a truck out earlier when it got stuck halfway in the street. I just don't know what we are going to do at all.

We were going to go out to my mother's house today to get my baptismal paperwork. I had to go to the bank to cash my paycheck. But none of that is going to happen this weekend. It seriously hasn't been this bad since the blizzard of 93. And I was in elementary school at that time! This is really, really insane!!

Quiet Contemplation

It is hard to believe that it has only been a week since the car accident. Monday itself felt like it was a week long... It is very jarring when you come face to face with your own mortality. I don't know if I will be the same person again. I was not hurt but now I am just more cautious.

We had to pick up our rental car on Thursday. So I was thrust back into driving faster than I would have wanted to. Bob in the new rental and I in his dad's Colbalt to drop it back off in Moon. Somehow I managed okay, but it was a harrowing experience.

On Wednesday we had our meeting with Father Ken Keene at Holy Trinity's rectory. He really does seem like a nice guy, but unfortunately he is unavailable to preform our wedding. Apparently he will be out of town during that week and the week afterwards. He did start all of our paperwork, including the request for a mixed marriage with the diocese, and said he would ask Father Barry if he were available for our date. If not he would help us to find a priest that could help us out. I have to pick up my baptismal information from my mother's and have two people contact Fr Ken as witnesses to my character. So this should all be very interesting...