Tears In Heaven

Today was a special day for me, and also an incredibly sad one. Today was my grandmother's birthday. Well it would have been my grandmother's birthday. You see my grandmother, Patricia Ann Vorpe VanTassell, passed away on a sunny day in July of 2002. It seems almost odd that she was born on a cold day in December but left us on a bright summer morning.

For most people the loss of a grandparent doesn't seem to affect them after some time, but with me it has been different. For the vast majority of my young life my grandmother, whom I called Nanny, was always there much like another parent. She basically was like my father or another mother, always there for me. My actual father wasn't around when I was a child, and my mother did not get married until I was about 8. That union only lasted til my freshman year of high school, so I didn't really have a great deal of 'father figures' in my life. My mother tried her best, don't get me wrong, but she worked and wasn't also there. My grandmother was... She taught me how to ride a bike for goodness sake! So to lose her, I felt like I lost a part of myself.

This may come as a surprise to most people, but up until then I wasn't as close with my mother. It was my grandmother that I poured my heart out to, if I told anyone at all. It took her leaving us to push my mother and I closer together, so I do thank her for doing that for us.

I know that she will always be looking down on me but there are just times I wish she were still here in the physical sense. Like at my college graduation or my wedding. I know on both occasions she would have been so proud of me. She never got to meet someone who is a large part of my life, Bob. And at times like this I miss her the most...

Holiday Spirits

Well here it is, officially December. But unfortunately I just can't seem to get into the swing of things. Maybe it has something to do with the weather? It has been fluctuating quite a bit, one day it will be really warm while the next is blisteringly cold. And I have only seen fleeting snow showers, which didn't even lay on the ground.

Or maybe there are other reasons why I don't quite feel the spirit of Christmas right now. I have been having a good deal of family issues as of late. My uncle David, who just turned 50 middle of November, is currently in the hospital. His health is declining at a rather rapid rate. He does not feel he needs to be taking a majority of his medications. And he has also basically given up on life, he told the hospital that should they release him he would just kill himself. Safe to say he is currently in their psychiatric ward until further notice.

And from there the family issues just grow. My aunt Sara, sure she just can't help herself, is just dead set on making everything about her. She is refusing to let my mother or I know what is going on with my uncle, even though she is the primary contact person for the hospital. And she is also angry with my mother because my uncle Mike is living at my mother's apartment. My mother is not the type of person that will just let one of her siblings live on the street, so when my uncle needed a place to stay she took him in. He isn't living there completely free though, he is contributing by purchasing food and other essentials. But my aunt, the drama queen, feels that we should have just let him become homeless because: 'He put himself in this situation'. Then when everyone went up to the hospital to visit my uncle Dave, my aunt tried to hug my uncle Mike. He wanted nothing to do with her, and stepped away, because honestly if someone has been talking trash about you for months would you really want them to hug you? But she is out there spreading all these lies now that he pushed her away, even though two of his other siblings (my mother and my aunt Patti) just say he backed off to avoid her embrace. So now much of the family is mad as my mother because of this situation.

And then there are the Yannuzzis. Honestly where can I start with that one... First off, my grandfather is not doing so well. He fell a few months ago and hit his head. Now his dementia is really setting in and he just doesn't look so well.


And this photograph is honestly what frightens me the most. You can see in the background my father Steve, my aunt Vicki, and my uncle Frank. My grandfather is sitting in front of them and he looks really frail. Just the sight of him alone is enough to worry me. But what makes this seem worse is that my uncle lives in Texas, he has never been home as long as I can recall. In fact, in all my 28 years I don't even know if I have actually met him. All of my father's family, my step-siblings and their families, are returning to Pittsburgh as well for Christmas. It just seems as if they are now circling the wagons, just waiting for the end. And it is frustrating for me because no one is telling me what is going on.

With all of this going on, it feels like my heart and my mind just aren't in Christmas this year. I haven't really gotten down to buy gifts, mainly because I am lacking in funds. I don't want to disappoint anyone but I just am not sure what to do...

What I could really use is come holiday magic.

The Ties That Bind

So much has changed since the last time I posted on here. It has already been a whole year since my wedding... And my wedding really was the catalyst that changed some things for me.

My family life and relationships have really gotten better. Thinks have greatly improved with my father's family. I actually feel like now that they are my family as well, not just his. I never really had a solid father-figure in my life when I was younger, and I missed out on a lot of things because of that. But the wedding really seemed to change things for all of us. For the better... He feels bad that he missed out on a lot of my life. And is genuinely happy to have me around. They even invited me to visit them up in New Hampshire. Bob and I did go, even though I was immensely anxious about the trip, not sure how we would be received. But everyone was really gracious, and did not treat us any different than the rest of the family. My step-sister even asked if I would want her children to consider me as there aunt...